I must say that I am nervous that I won’t be the most eloquent of speakers (typers) or clearly get the message across but let’s get this show on the road anyways.
I think Natalie Grant’s song “Song to the King” says it best “How could I repay such a debt except with my life? How could I give anything but sacrifice of praise.” That perfectly describes the reason I am starting this blog. My husband and I can now see that God has brought us through some of the deepest of valleys these last few years only to show us the true joy of who He is. It’s funny how sometimes God has to bring us to our most desperate of states to get our attention. Maybe I’m just a stubborn so God feels it’s necessary, but the way I have come to view it of late is that God has chosen to give me a “thorn in my side” of sorts like Paul. Our trials with my pain used to be a few months long with a surgery mixed in and then life returned to normal. That has not been the case this time and I am having to learn how to see myself the way God really sees me and for the purposes that He sees for me now. But, let’s not get ahead. Since this is the first one I want to very briefly explain what brought us to this point.
It started a few years ago with a simple fusion to fix a not so great herniation. They saw that I had a piece that had actually fractured between the spinal cord pressing on a nerve. This would either eventually heal or cause long-term damage as he had no way of knowing how long it had been that way. Lucky for this gal, it was the latter. So, after that I was left with some really fun pain but somewhat manageable. Then it turned out to be a tumble-down effect with other surgeries following spread out over months and 2 years. Mix in some PT, injections, appointments, the usual boring stuff. Then came the thoracic bit which I have still yet to recover from unfortunately. As one physical therapist said, if this were any other part of your spine we would have done surgery by now and called it a day. But, instead it’s the part no one likes to operate on. I mean let’s be real-no one wants to have another surgery, but at the same time, no one wants to be severely pain stricken everyday either. But, it is what it is for now in my eyes.
It’s funny because there are times when we go out in public and I think just smile for the picture, just make everyone comfortable by thinking you’re okay. No one likes to be around negative nancy who doesn’t feel well, right? When in reality, no one who looks at your social media page or sees little excerpts from your life truly knows that you leave the dressy social events early in tears or tugging at your husband’s shirt like a child begging to make a quick exit where it won’t make a scene so no one will ask why you had to leave. No one can see behind the façade of fake smiles that you have to rest 95% of your day just because you know that you plan to take your daughter to the park that afternoon. You know that you will hurt tremendously 10 minutes into the park excursion anyways but you do it like a champ because you want your child to grow up in a world with a mommy who can do everything for her. I say all these things not for pity sake, but because I know there are others out there who can relate. It’s a heavy weight to bear when you feel like those around you don’t understand fully, think “oh it can’t be that bad”, or you just want to be “normal” even if your body won’t allow it. It’s a hard road to walk full of ups and downs. There are warriors out there that many of us don’t even realize. I know you’re out there, silently fighting your fight everyday.
We all struggle with physical or emotional difficulties at times that may seem insurmountable. I’ve learned and am still learning that there’s a time we must take to grieve for what we have lost. Then to take the time to allow our Father to heal our hearts. I can’t explain how the healing started for me exactly but I know it was through constant leaning on Him. I am not strong enough on my own. I fall so hard, my heart literally aches. But, surely as I feel the darkness closing in, his light comes peeking in through the window offering hope and restoration. It is a beautiful sight. A beautiful, painful process. I hope you will walk along this journey with me.